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Archive for January, 2016



It is a great shock to wake up one morning and realize that one has been in an abusive relationship. That while clinging, to some personal treasure or lifelong dream, one has been willing to tolerate, even participate, in one’s own abuse. “For the children” one might think, or “for this or that benefit.” One might even believe it when he says “I really do care about you” or truly hope that “things will get better.” Just hold on a little longer. It will be worth it in the end. You can do it. And yes, perhaps one can do it. For a time. But on the other side of that inconsistent, vain hope generating schedule of reward and punishment, on the other side of the “it’s not as bad as you think” poisons that defenders of his felonies so sweetly make, what makes one sit up and suddenly take note is that one insult which literally or metaphorically slaps one in the face: that final instant of abuse which transforms (and reveals) the truth of all the other moments. Quite suddenly you see them no longer as passing tokens of excusability, rather as they are: crimes of cruelty, of sadism, truly–of evil. And then one knows, “Through no fault of my own, I have married myself to someone who takes pleasure in other people’s pain.” And at long last: you are done.


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to understand why a geek like me would find himself thinking about inertia and newton’s laws in the middle of a dance club, understand this. I’ve never found a social community with which I fit in. so to keep from going completely out of my gourd, I’ve had to find activities to occupy my mind: reading, writing, thinking, photographing, skiing, etc. it’s really just a matter of survival! I mean can you imagine the response I’d get if I walked up to someone in a club and said “have you ever wondered why newton chose the 2nd derivative of movement instead of the 1st as his mathematical model of inertia?” yet, these are the things I wonder about in my spare time.



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to those who have survived a betrayal of any kind, to those who have survived exclusion, disability and illness, cruelty, hatred, apathy and the popularity of ignorance: you are my inspiration. you know who you are.


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is it useful to build a fire in the rain? no. you have to find shelter and nurture the flames that have also survived.


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Today I recalled how once I explained the concept of a confound
to a family friend at a party held in honor of my sister (10 years
younger than me) and her husband to be. The original
question was something I don’t know, something
superficial yet intriguing at parties that often are. Not
really my activity. Sometimes I hope they might be, like
a gateway to myself, a hint of such a path— but not very often. Later
I remember him telling me how proud he was of me, that
I remembered something he often taught his students. That he’d hoped
he’d taught me.

I’m glad I could make my father proud of me before he died.
I’m glad I can remember it still.


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I do believe for the most part, that my life has been a meaningless failure. I will nevertheless speak truth to power. They can only kill me once.


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sometimes i wonder, after i write the poem:do
i have the courage? of

those words.


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